Do I have any right to be angry?
April 102010
So I’m 23 years old and is renting my mom’s house here in edmonton. She does not live there. She spends winter in Arizona and summertime in Nova Scotia where she owns a campground. She only comes to Edmonton twice a year to do her running around and visiting. Her and I made a "business" arrangement that if I manage the house she would give me cheap rent on the house. She was very clear that it was a business transaction.
Now last night, she calls me up at 9 at night and starts a conversation asking whats new and blab blab… 5 mins into the conversation she tells me "Oh by the way we will be there in 2 hours!" –(We meaning as in her and her boyfriend and her 2 dogs!)
When she normally comes to Edmonton she usually stays in her 5th wheel that she parks in the drive way so she doesn’t stay in the house but they do take over the tv and leaves the house messy!… THIS TIME… they left their fifth wheel in Arizona so now they just expect to stay in the house and take over the house.
When they are here, it’s not as if they are invisible. They make a HUGE mess and all my bills like water and electricity go way up when they come because it’s no longer just me it’s 2 other ppl. I don’t make a lot of money! They take over my tv! They take over the kitchen! I have no privacy for my boyfriend and I! I have no alone time! They are always around!
To me, if it was anyone else and not her daughter who was renting the house she would have no right to barage and intrude in and reclaim the house as hers. We made a business deal. Meaning exchange for my rent money and managing the house… it is my space! Shouldn’t I invite her to stay with me rather than her expecting to stay there even though it’s her house??Do I have any right to be angry that she still feels entitled that the house is still hers to come and do whatever and whenever she wants even though I am renting it from her?
You have a right to feel any way you want about anything. Feelings are never wrong. That said, let’s look at the specific situation. Rental agreements are usually in black and white, but you are renting from your mom, and she feels it’s her house. Maybe she believes she is doing you a favor by allowing you to "manage the house" in her absence for a minimal rent. If so she probably thinks you understand that and don’t mind her dropping in. What you and your mother need to do is go out of the house together (the house will be a bad place for this discussion!) and talk about this rationally. I understand that you are angry, and why. She may interpret your anger as ungratefulness and be angry right back! To prevent this you may want to start like this, "You know I really appreciate the deal you gave me in renting your house". Let her respond. Stay calm and try not to let emotion govern the communication, but use reason. "Mom, I don’t have a lot of money and I really have a hard time with the utility bills when there are three people here; can we work together on this?" If all proves to be nonnegotiable you may want to consider finding a place you can afford. It may be a smaller apartment, but you will have your privacy and space. That peace of mind will be worth it. But however you handle this, remember words DO cause pain. Remember this in ALL your communications – especially when you are angry, hurt, or stressed in any way. The world is a harsh place; try to make it better!
April 10th, 2010 at 10:19 pm
unless you have a rent lease document this can be sticky.
You must be careful how you speak but you should speak up. I would ask to reduce the rent by the number of days and people that are there. I would also point out that this is your home and are entitled to privacy but if you push too hard she may seek to evict you
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April 10th, 2010 at 10:50 pm
So, let’s pretend that you are renting the same house from someone else – your Mom doesn’t own it. So, when she decides it’s time to visit her daughter (I know it’s annoying, but moms do want to see their kids now and then), wouldn’t she stay with you? The frustrations are the same, and are shared by many people whose family visits. But it’s all part of being a family, and it has nothing to do with who owns the house.
So, have a nice visit, don’t worry about the mess until they’re gone, and ask your mom to chip in for the food and increase in utilities. It’s really not brain surgery, just a willingness to talk openly. You can do it. Don’t smolder, work it out.
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April 10th, 2010 at 11:14 pm
I’m sure you’re angry. Most people would be, at the least, annoyed. But shes your Mom. I’m not in any kind of business arrangement with my mother, and yet, when she visits, about 2x a year, she does the same thing. I think its because not matter what, they see us as children. They still feel like they can do whatever they want, regardless of our input. I truly believe they aren’t intentionally trying to hurt us in any way. As much as it sucks, try to enjoy the time you have with your mom and worry about the mess later. There will come a day that she’s no longer here and you’ll look back on those crazy, annoying times with find memories. Hang in there!
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April 10th, 2010 at 11:21 pm
I suppose that she has a right to stay in your home, because she does own it. However, she’s being totally out of order here! It’s common courtesy to give someone a fair amount of forewarning. I think it might be in your best interest to either move out or perhaps try to buy the house from her. At the least, you should amend the deal to make sure she gives you a few days notice at least before coming over, so you can arrange to either be somewhere else or to get prepared.
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April 11th, 2010 at 12:04 am
just tell here
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April 11th, 2010 at 12:13 am
You have a right to feel any way you want about anything. Feelings are never wrong. That said, let’s look at the specific situation. Rental agreements are usually in black and white, but you are renting from your mom, and she feels it’s her house. Maybe she believes she is doing you a favor by allowing you to "manage the house" in her absence for a minimal rent. If so she probably thinks you understand that and don’t mind her dropping in. What you and your mother need to do is go out of the house together (the house will be a bad place for this discussion!) and talk about this rationally. I understand that you are angry, and why. She may interpret your anger as ungratefulness and be angry right back! To prevent this you may want to start like this, "You know I really appreciate the deal you gave me in renting your house". Let her respond. Stay calm and try not to let emotion govern the communication, but use reason. "Mom, I don’t have a lot of money and I really have a hard time with the utility bills when there are three people here; can we work together on this?" If all proves to be nonnegotiable you may want to consider finding a place you can afford. It may be a smaller apartment, but you will have your privacy and space. That peace of mind will be worth it. But however you handle this, remember words DO cause pain. Remember this in ALL your communications – especially when you are angry, hurt, or stressed in any way. The world is a harsh place; try to make it better!
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April 11th, 2010 at 12:56 am
get a contract.
tell her she needs to ask. you’re right, if it was a stranger that she was renting to, she wouldnt do that.
im pretty sure this has to do with your mom being intrusive rather than just the fact she owns your place.
or you can just stick it out while she’s there.
good luck
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